When I visited Duluth at the age of 15, I was accustomed to staying up late during the summer, which meant I was up when John would get home after working the late shift. It was strange how attentive he was. I was used to teenaged boys paying attention to me; anyone older than that, and I’d immediately feel uneasy.

 

But John was funny and made me laugh a lot. He was very easygoing, easy to hang out with and talk to. He treated me like an adult, and I felt special getting all of that attention. He would come home and spend time with me most nights after work. It was very hot and muggy in Duluth during the summer, so I didn't want to do much during the day. But when it was warm out at night, I felt alive. Kelly was up most mornings because she babysat two of John's nephews, John and Dave. Their mom, John’s sister Beatrice, would drop them off in the morning and pick them up after work.

 

I continued staying up late so that I could catch the late-night soap, “Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.” I also liked watching “The Dick Cavett Show.” While watching TV, John would come home from work, and we'd sit there and chat, play tic-tac-toe, smoke cigarettes together, and go for walks in the warm night air.

 

John didn't require much sleep, so he had plenty of time to spend with me, and he always made me laugh. One night, he tried to kiss me, and I immediately turned my head away. I then asked him, "Why did you do that?" He said, "Because I like you." I just said, "Oh." I was used to being liked by the opposite sex, but not by someone 17 years older than me. One night, he came home with marijuana. I hated weed so I only smoked a little bit. He called me a lightweight.

 

Kelly wasn’t always kind toward me during my stay. One time, we all went to A&W for burgers. John gave me one of his because Kelly said I wasn't getting anything since I didn't have any money. My father had sent her some money to help with expenses, but she spent it on herself--clothes, mostly. She was still young, and cared about how she looked. Especially to men. She seemed impressed by how much attention I attracted, and she was also a very attractive woman.

 

Sometimes, John and I would hang out at the playground at the school up the street. I'd swing on the swing set and go down the slide. One night, John reclined on the slide where you get off, and he wouldn't move. So, my feet were touching his shoulders, pushing on him. He still wouldn't move. Eventually, I decided to lie back on the slide too, with my feet on his shoulders, which I found quite romantic.

 

One night, we strolled to the West End in Duluth, where the stores and cheap hotels were. It wasn't too far, and I had nothing better to do. Besides, I enjoyed laughing, and laughing was easy with John. We paused in front of the Lincoln Hotel, and he said to wait for him while he went inside. Then he came out of the lobby and said, "Let's go inside." I thought maybe he knew someone there, so I followed him in. We went to a room, and he unlocked the door and motioned for me to go in.

 

I had no idea what we were doing there. He said, “We might as well take advantage of the situation.” Before I understood what was happening, he had my pants down and was performing a sex act on me. I was so confused and didn't know what to do. I told him I had to go to the bathroom but the room didn't come with a bathroom. He then slipped on a condom and was on top of me and inside of me. Just like that. I felt like I was being raped and told him so. He said, "Just five more minutes." I told him again, and he finally got off of me as I began to struggle. He then said he'd be right back and went to the bathroom down the hall. I thought, OK, I guess this means we have a relationship. It was less painful thinking about it that way than to consider myself a victim. 

 

Several minutes later, he returned to the room. It was starting to get light out, which meant Kelly was going to be furious with me. John said to just act “nonchalant.” I had no idea what that meant!

 

After that night, I felt suicidal and set fire to my journal so that no one could read it after I was gone. I didn’t have a specific plan, but the thoughts lingered, which I kept to myself.

 

I remember visiting one of John's sisters, Faith, with Kelly and John. There was a six pack of beer, and I started drinking it. I'd never had beer before. I wasn't particularly fond of the carbonation, but I drank it, until John's sister Claire asked where her beer was. Reno saw that I had it, and asked me, "What are you doing, pouring it down the sink?" Apparently, Claire had been in and out of rehab and was quite distressed that some of her beer was missing.

 

While at Faith’s house, I was still feeling depressed. Kelly suggested I talk to Joanna, another sister of John’s. Joanna worked as a counselor at a rehab facility, so, I agreed. I told Joanna about what happened at the Lincoln Hotel. She didn't believe me, and told Kelly that I was fantasizing about relationships with men.

 

The following day, Kelly handed me a book titled, "Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?" I accepted it and placed it in my suitcase. It was a book she'd received while in rehab. She asked me to write my feelings down on a sheet of paper, which I did. One of the feelings I wrote down was, "Alone.” She said, "Aww, so you're lonely…" I told her I wasn't lonely; there's a distinct difference.

 

Kelly started to spend more time with me, but it was too late; the damage was done. I had experienced statutory rape and not believed. Consequently, I kept convincing myself that John and I were in a relationship. We continued our walks at night, but there was no more sex. We would just wrap our arms around each other. Sometimes, we would cruise around town in his car.

 

I had the opportunity to do some babysitting for Linda, Ricky’s live-in girlfriend. Ricky was one of John's brothers. Ricky got home before Linda did, and he started playing music. It was "Gist of the Gemini" by Gino Vannelli, an artist I was unfamiliar with. I was used to listening to rock music and this was something totally different that I'd never heard before. Ricky asked me if I liked it, and I said it was OK. He then began pointing out the uniqueness of Gino Vannelli's music and I really started to listen. We sat there on the couch while Ricky continued highlighting the uniqueness of Gino Vannelli's music. It grew on me and before I knew it I was a fan.

 

Ricky was nice, and I really liked him right away. His long, dark hair and brown eyes were appealing to me, and he was younger than John, whom I was never attracted to.

 

Upon returning to Kelly’s apartment, I remember her asking me how it went. I shared that I met Ricky and he played Gino Vannelli for me. She laughed when I told her that Ricky had asked me if I wanted to dance. In other words, she didn't believe me. Kelly relayed to John about Ricky playing Gino Vannelli for me. They both laughed when Kelly brought up Ricky asking me to dance. John said that it must not have been Ricky, because Ricky doesn't dance. Then they both laughed again.

 

In their bedroom, there was a turntable next to the bed. John pulled out an album and asked if this was the same album Ricky played. I replied, "No, it was a different album." Just then, he put the album on the turntable and began playing it. The title of the album was "Powerful People" by Gino Vannelli, and I was immediately hooked. This was just another tactic he employed to keep my focus on him. He was a master manipulator that way.